Look, I’m going to keep this brief because it’s 5 P.M. on a Wednesday afternoon (which is an afternoon that I happen to be off this week), I just got my son down for a nap, and I’m sitting in the middle of my bedroom floor with a very large pile of clean laundry that I should be folding. Yes, you heard right. It’s 5 P.M. and I just got my son down for a nap. Why would you lay your son down for a nap this late, you ask? Well, he turned two a few months ago, and we’re now weaning him off of bottles. Yes, I know he’s a little old for bottles and we should have done this a long time ago, but I’ve been a little busy. Also, my son quit taking a pacifier at four months of age, so the bottle is how we get him to sleep. And I desperately need him to sleep at times. Anyway, long story short, getting him down for a nap without the “nurse bottle,” as he likes to call it, has proven quite difficult. I probably should have made him skip the nap, but I wasn’t prepared for the bear that he could become later in the evening if he skipped said nap. When I tried to get him to nap earlier, he would lay on the floor and scream non-stop and constantly request a “different bottle” than the transitional bottles I’m now using. He did not want to be read to, he did not want to be held, and he would not let me lay down on his bed with him. One hour of inconsolable crying later, and I finally had to cave and let him watch some videos and eat some snacks (and I really try to limit videos as much as possible) so I could get caught up on dishes and cleaning the kitchen with tears streaming down my face. I feel like a failure. I feel like I’ve lost the ability to soothe my child. I also feel like a failure because I can’t get him to eat any other foods than the short list of five things that he’ll eat on a consistent basis. Is it because I’m working so much? Is he no longer used to me? What happened to that strong mother-son bond that we have had for so long? I used to be the one to call if nothing would make him feel better. The truth is that none of this probably has anything to do with me. The harsh reality is that my son is now a toddler, and there are days when he is overwhelmed with emotions and doesn’t know how to handle them and that’s just the rough transition of being a toddler. As a first-time mom, I’m learning more and more that toddlers can amaze you and melt your heart and then in one fell swoop become dictators of another level. On top of that, since I’m 12 weeks pregnant, I am also a touch more emotional than normal and seem to take things personally much easier. The other truth is that the situation I describe above probably isn’t foreign to most mothers, with a little extra guilt added in due to being a working mother. Ever since I became a veterinarian, coming up on seven years ago, I have put my heart and soul into what I do. I bought the practice in my hometown and have worked very hard to grow the practice. I have spent an astronomical amount of money on equipment upgrades this year. I have spent a lot of time researching for said equipment upgrades. I have taken on more management responsibilities with some of the changes I’ve made, which can result in extra work at home because I don’t have time during the work day to keep up with my caseload and fulfill said management responsibilities. As I continue to type this, I am realizing this could sound a bit whiney to a lot of you, which is definitely not the intention. I chose this career. I chose to buy my practice. I chose to have a child, and then become pregnant with a second child. I chose to say yes to leadership positions in organized veterinary medicine and the community. This is what type A personalities do. We want to do it all, and we believe we can have it all. But I’m going to say this in case anyone is feeling like I do and needs this opportunity to get it off their chest and feel like they’re not alone. Having it all, even though you choose to do so, really freaking sucks sometimes. I get a lot of fulfillment out of my career, out of owning a practice, and out of being a mother. I also often wonder if I have bit off more than I can chew at times. I don’t like to believe that I have limitations, when in fact, I do have limitations. I read Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In soon after it came out, and it quickly became my Bible. But I have found that if you lean in too far, you will, in fact, fall on your face. You can “have it all” so to speak, but you can’t have it all at the same time. After looking over it again, something dawned on me and it may be helpful for everyone to be reminded of this. Maybe you were like me and read Lean In and found so much inspiration in the parts that spoke to you about being a leader in the midst of men who may ignore your abilities or having a career and a family and mastering both. When I reread, I noticed the things I had chosen to ignore: the pesky points that Sandberg made about compromise and limits. No one wants to hear about that! But she said it...darn it. She said that sometimes we have to limit or reevaluate our goals, that sometimes we aren’t going to be there for our children, and sometimes we aren’t going to succeed, and as women, we are going to have to find a way to be okay with that. We have to trust, and delegate, and oh my, we may have to change our plans. Having balance in your life does not mean that you have a perfect 50/50 balance of home life and work life every single day. There are days when emergencies are piling up and you have mountains of paperwork to do and work has to take priority. There are other days when your son comes down with croup and needs you to be just a mommy for the day. The days where work takes priority should be balanced with days where you can just be a mom, husband, wife, or daughter. I’m realizing that I don’t have nearly enough of the latter. I miss my son’s dentist appointments and his toddler gymnastics sessions. I miss family outings over the holidays. I haven’t been on a date with my husband in five months. I can’t do all the family things that I would like to, but I need to make the conscience effort to balance it out and make a conscience effort to support myself when the guilt comes creeping in.
I feel like too many people in my profession put their heart and soul into what they do, but don’t give themselves days to breath. I want desperately to lean in as much as possible, but some days I just want to lay down instead. It doesn’t help that parents are constantly given crappy advice like, “The dishes can wait. Enjoy your children.” That sounds nice in theory. But the dishes can only wait for so long before it becomes a public health hazard to everyone in the home. Is advice like that designed to be helpful, or is it just supposed to make us feel guilty for doing basic, necessary chores in our homes? I guess what I’m trying to say is that I hope veterinarians can realize that there’s more to life than practicing veterinary medicine. Take an extra day off and enjoy time with your family. Go on vacation, for Christ’s sake. Work hard and do your best, but realize that client that you are bending over backwards for and worrying over may sell you out in a second with a bad Yelp review. Veterinarians are people pleasers and would do almost anything for their clients. Learn not to take things personally when a client turns on you or your staff. Their often emotional critique is not a reflection of the job that you have done. If you put your entire heart and soul into this profession, you will likely be sadly disappointed. While this profession is and can be incredibly rewarding, it can also disappoint you. Animals can die despite your best efforts. Owners can lash out at you out of grief or because they’ve had a bad day. While most clients are amazing and great to work with, some of them, quite frankly, are nutter butters and impossible to please. None of that is a reflection of the veterinarian that you are, but they are all reasons why this job cannot be 100% responsible for your fulfillment and happiness. I’m slowly learning my limitations. I’m learning to slow down a little. Being diagnosed with cancer also made me realize that there is a certain level of bullshit and negativity that is not worth your attention. I have hired a third veterinarian that will start in June to help meet the needs of my growing practice, but to also free up some of my time for management tasks and my growing family. My practice needs me. My son needs me. My unborn child needs me. My husband needs me. And I need to take care of myself so I can continue to meet all of those needs. We all need to take care of ourselves and if that means compromise, a new direction, a five minute walk, or God forbid, asking for help, we all need to make that commitment to ourselves.
1 Comment
Rebecca L Galloway
1/30/2019 07:36:07 am
You are a wise, capable woman and I am so proud of you! You are the best mother a child could have!
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Jessica Stroupe, DVM
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August 2017
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