Last week I presented at the MVMA conference about my experience being a young practice owner. This is the long version of the presentation, so definitely take a look if you're looking into taking the plunge:
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Maternity leave can be an interesting, emotional transition for every woman. This veterinarian and practice owner was no exception. I wondered a lot about maternity leave while I was pregnant. I asked a lot of questions from my colleagues and friends and read anything I could to prepare myself, but it was hard to find a definitive answer for these two questions, partly because no one really wants to tell a new mom the truth. What would it be like to go six weeks without working? Would I get bored and restless? Or would my leave go by too quickly and would I be totally unprepared to return to work? The answer was...a complete messy mixture of of everything that I had expected and everything I had not. But let's start at the beginning of my leave. I came home after spending several days at the hospital, wondering why in the world they would trust me to take care of this baby...on my own. I learned so many things in such a short time, first and foremost, I no longer had a long list of sleep criteria such as a dark room, fan noise, or even basic comfort. I can now sleep on cardboard in the middle of the street. I’m pretty sure I spent most of yesterday asleep with my eyes open. I will be that person on my next flight, asleep on my neighbor as drool slowly runs down their shoulder. I also learned that the 600-square-foot cabin we lived in didn't seem so small until we brought a baby home with all the stuff that came with him. Adding a bassinet, rock ‘n play, stacks of diapers, and a jogging stroller to the house made us feel closed in. There wasn't space for a changing table, so I would put a waterproof mat on the bed every time I changed him. Many times in the middle of the night, I would have to smack my sleeping husband's legs to get them out of the way of the diaper changing space. The first couple of nights at home, Leland had his days and nights mixed up, but we eventually got that figured out. I was fortunate to have my fair share of help. My mother would come over most days, helping me keep up with laundry and cleaning. It seemed all I had time to accomplish was keep my baby fed and changed. For me at least, maternity leave was the beginning of a lot of complicated feelings. I loved my son more than I thought possible to love another person, and in every other way, I didn’t feel like the same person. This is most likely because I wasn't the same. For the past few years, a lot of my identity was wrapped up in being a veterinarian. I was still a veterinarian, but I certainly didn't feel like one while at home. My new title of “Mom” was a welcome one, but there was so much I needed to learn with this new position. I also didn't feel the same as I used to physically. As a former college athlete and marathon runner, exercise and fitness were a big part of my life. When my son was a week old and I had hit the peak of exhaustion, exercise or energy to do so felt so far from the realm of possibility. I didn't recognize myself when I looked in the mirror. My face had no makeup, and my body lacked the tone and strength I had worked so hard to obtain before and during pregnancy. Also, why in the world was all of my hair falling out?! Who is this person? Then there was this thing called guilt that crept up on me, which I had heard about from others, but didn’t take it seriously enough. One common mommy/maternity leave problem is guilt. When we should feel like a rockstar for delivering a baby from our body and being able to exceed the limits of sleep deprivation, we start to feel inadequate. When you own a practice like I do, it's difficult to totally separate yourself from work during leave. Even when you have excellent staff to cover for you on leave, there are often issues that arise that the owner needs to attend to. I felt guilt on both ends. I felt guilty for leaving everyone at the clinic to cover my cases during a busy time of year. I would then feel guilty for feeling guilty and tell myself I needed to focus on my son's needs at this time. I would feel guilty when work-related issues did pop up for not giving my son the attention he deserved during this time. I felt like I was in a lose-lose situation. I was either neglecting work or neglecting my son. How would I find balance once I returned to work? Another phenomenon that happened during maternity leave was I became quite familiar with daytime TV. No, maternity leave is not a vacation where a woman sits around and watches TV. However, there are only so many things you can do while breastfeeding for hours on end. So yeah, I guess I did sit around and watch a lot of TV, but it was hard work! There was the Today Show, then the Today Show with Hoda and Kathy Lee drinking wine like pros at 10 A.M. while somehow hosting a talk show, Rachael Ray and her ridiculous recipes, Dr. Phil interviewing pregnant crackheads, Dr. Oz discussing the latest bogus fad diet, Ellen Degeneres dancing, and much more. I don't have satellite, so I was limited to whatever network television had to offer, and this seems to be the more dramatic of the content I could have chosen. Investing in the History Channel or even The Weather Channel would have been a good idea instead of listening to melodramatic horror stories of where parents went wrong somewhere, creating drug addicted children, overweight children, or children who become women that drink too early in the day. Basically, I sat there horrified, witnessing just how many ways a parent can go wrong. I’d never thought of it like this before, and it was unnerving. I just hope my son's first words aren't “Jerry, Jerry!” Just kidding! The anticipation of returning to work was also somewhat complicated. Admittedly, part of me was excited about returning to work. Leaving my baby at home seemed daunting, but practicing veterinary medicine was a large part of my life, and not doing so was an adjustment. On the other hand, I relished the time I had with my baby and couldn't imagine what it would be like to leave him at home. How would I balance being a working mom? What would I do when I got emergency calls? Would I have enough time to pump at work? Will my baby forget who I am? Many questions like these plagued my mind. On the evening before returning to work, I hugged my baby extra hard and cried. I left for work the following morning, putting my son in the caring hands of my mother, leaving extra time to cry in my vet truck if necessary. Turns out I didn't need the extra time. Walking into work felt like the most natural thing in the world. I'm so excited to be a mother. I love my child and my job. The notion that the two have to be mutually exclusive is nonsense. Not that there aren’t struggles, there are. There are times I still feel guilty, many times. My house is not clean, never will be. But I’m going to continually remind myself, which doesn’t take much effort when I look at his sweet little face, that I can be a good mom and a good veterinarian. I can have two great loves in my life...oh yeah, three, right, my husband, my husband. I haven’t forgotten him. I think I saw him last week, maybe the week before. I can't wait for Leland to join me in my adventures. I loved my time at home with him, and I especially enjoy running home after work to see him. Although it was emotional, hectic, and completely foreign to me, I will always cherish my maternity leave and I am thankful that I was able to do it. |
Jessica Stroupe, DVM
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August 2017
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