Any veterinarian that works out of their truck knows that part of their job is receiving the worst directions to a farm that you’ve ever heard and then somehow, with any luck, finding that farm (usually in the dark). My first experience with bad directions for ambulatory calls occurred during veterinary school on my equine ambulatory rotation. Maybe it was all part of my training, so I’d know what to expect during my career. Ironically, the bad directions actually came from another veterinarian, another hint that they were just getting us all prepared for the real world of ambulatory medicine (or playing a practical joke on us). We were going to a veterinarian’s neighbor’s house to treat a colicky horse. We’ll just call her Dr. Jones. Dr. Jones told our equine instructor, “Turn on the highway, and when you get to the field with a donkey in it, turn left.” Our equine instructor hung up the phone and had a skeptical look on her face. “Turn left after the field with a donkey in it? What if the donkey is hiding?!” Turns out this was just a small taste of what I would experience in private practice. I have always practiced in my hometown, so one could say that I am somewhat familiar with the area. However, I was a towny. I did not spend weekends cruising county roads with my family as a child the way my husband did. Aside from the key high school party spots in the county (which I obviously wouldn’t know anything about, I just heard about them), I hadn’t explored much of the countryside of Howard County. Since I am from the area, people would automatically assume I knew where things were. I’ve separated some of my biggest direction pitfalls into categories. Enjoy! 1. Generation gap and outdated directions- My first hurdle in starting practice involved a generational gap between me and the practitioners I worked with. My boss at the time (Dr. Vroman) would try to explain to me where a farm was. He’d say, “Do you know where the old Smith farm is?” quickly followed by a blank stare from me. Turns out Mr. Smith died in 1956. I’m a Millennial, for Pete’s sake! Give me an address I can plug into my smartphone! 2. North, South, East, Whatchamacallit- If you’re giving me directions, please don’t confuse me with words like, “north, east, south, and west.” I have found that one distinguishing feature between townies and country folk in our area is the words you use for directions. Most farm people, including my husband’s family, prefer to give directions the following way: “Turn North on highway 5 then head East on the next county road past the Johnmeyer farm.” My response is normally, “First of all, where is the Johnmeyer farm, and would that be a right or a left?” Look, I realize this response probably makes me sound like an idiot to most of the farmers in this area. I realize I should understand the directions the major roadways go in my area. But I don’t. It’s so much easier if I can explain what direction I’m coming from (normally the Armstrong area), and they can then tell me right or left. RIGHT or LEFT, please!!! 3. Interesting landmarks- You'd be surprised the number of people that don't know their own address or how to give directions properly to places they have lived or farmed for years. When people can't give you actual road names or numbers, which is usually the case, they resort to landmarks. Don't get me wrong, landmarks can often be helpful, but for the sake of entertainment, I'll only mention the ones that make you scratch your head. - Landmarks that no longer exist- “Hey Doc, you remember that old barn that burnt down several years back? I think it was 1985? Turn left right after that.” Just an FYI, a landmark that no longer exists is not actually a landmark. - Dime-a-dozen landmarks- When receiving directions to a farm, it's inevitable that someone will try to use a landmark that is very common, making it very unhelpful. Examples of such landmarks include, but are not limited to, barns, grain bins, trees, and a field of cattle. Living in Howard County, these landmarks are everywhere. And I mean everywhere. Criteria for a helpful landmark? It should have some sort of distinguishing feature like turn left after the pink house, before the Jill Stein yard sign, or across from the Yogi Bear statue, all rare in Howard County, but there somewhere. - Using other roads as landmarks- This is never a good policy as the person receiving the directions will inevitably want to turn down that road. A perfect example of this was when a woman was trying to give me directions to a farm about 25 miles from where I live. The conversation went something like this:
I hang up the phone, and my husband says, “Wow. That was clearly a perfect example of a woman receiving directions from another woman. My husband's smartass comments aside, this is often the dialogue you hear between a veterinarian and a person giving directions. - Drama landmarks- This may seem strange to read, but people have a way of revealing family/personal drama when they give directions. I actually enjoy this part because it replaces the drama I'm missing on Netflix while I go on a farm call. An example goes something like this:
After a few years in practice, I’ve been getting much better at these directions by remembering farms I’ve been to, recognizing family names past and present, and most importantly, remembering what criminal event happened at which location as my landmark. I have not yet improved on my cardinal directions, so please, keep it left and right if you can. Even better, give me GPS coordinates for my smartphone and I’ll be there in a jiffy.
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Jessica Stroupe, DVM
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August 2017
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