The past couple of months, heck, even the past year, have been a bit hectic. I had some other blog posts planned for this week and the coming weeks, but honestly, they're more of a writing project than I can handle right now. I find myself spending most of my free time playing with my son while he's awake and then catching up on some business homework for a workshop I’m participating in next week during his nap time. However, my son woke up from his nap, just fell back asleep in my arms, and now I have some found time for writing until he wakes up. As crazy as things are, I thought I would take some time to reflect a little and give my blog readers an update on my life. Many clients have come in lately asking how I'm doing, and honestly, I don't know how to answer. I'm in limbo land. I'm having some side effects/complications to treatment that aren't answered at this point, but hopefully they will be soon. I think a lot of cancer patients know this feeling. You get to the end of treatment and feel triumphant. In my case, the holidays came soon after. Once the buzz of the holidays was over, what remained was lingering side effects, radiation flare ups, and weird symptoms like phantom smells and double vision. Then, my first PET CT was last month, and it was clear! Triumph again! And days later, more mouth sores, swelling, and returning double vision. I'm not one to sit at home and feel sorry for myself, so I keep plowing ahead with business workshops, speaking engagements, working full time, and various other distractions. Radiation and recovery from such has not been a walk in the park. I have rip-roaring dry eye which requires me to put in drops every hour. I have double vision at times. I have swelling, bruising, and fatigue. But at the same time, I know others have it so much worse. My challenge at the moment is working with my medical team to try to figure out if these side effects are a result of radiation or an infection. Three rounds of strong antibiotics have helped but failed to resolve the problems completely. I have an appointment with an infectious disease doctor in a month, so I'm just trying to hang in there until that time. It has become progressively difficult to get things on my to-do list done as fatigue knocks me out after I put my son to bed every evening. Every mom knows that after the kids go to bed, it is prime time to knock out that to-do list...or watch Netflix, depending on how motivated you are. Lately, I bundle up and sleep. I feel myself get progressively further and further behind. I look at the piled up dishes, the dirty laundry, and the pile of unfinished business projects. I see my husband doing all the cooking (let's face it, he did that before my cancer diagnosis) and scrambling to do the housework while I work on business tasks. I feel completely inadequate and useless around the house, as opposed to mildly inadequate and useless around the house. I've never been very domestic, but I would at least pull my weight. I often wonder when I'll feel normal again. I wonder if I'll ever feel like I have my crap together. I wonder if I'll ever learn to live without the constant fear that this cancer will come back again. Slowly but surely, I'm learning to give myself grace. I keep reminding myself that now is the time to rest and recover. Even though I don't have all the answers to my questions now, I have faith that my medical team will figure things out. It was a wonderful moment yesterday during my recheck with my ophthalmologist. My radiation oncologist called to check on me during my appointment, so they talked with each other and formulated a plan. I feel fortunate to have multiple specialists who care and are motivated to find answers. That is a gift, and there's no doubt they'll figure things out. My ophthalmologist put it well yesterday in saying, “Of course you're weird. You're a doctor.” So for those of you wondering what's going on with me, that's the jist of it. The point of this blog isn't to make people feel sorry for me or show up at my house with cleaning supplies and food. I have a wonderful support network, and we are making due. However, it's all too easy for those with chronic illnesses or other challenges to fight their battles alone in silence. For the past couple of months, I have isolated myself from friends and family. I put on a smile and pretend that everything is back to normal. All because I truly wish everything was back to normal. I want others out there that are fighting illness and battles that are even worse than mine to know that you are not alone. We may be in limbo land, but we don't have to go it alone. For now, I'm learning to let go of things that are out of my control, live in the present, and delight in the knowledge that God will give me strength as he always has. My big brain doctors will figure things out, and I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel, even if I can't see it right now. I'm learning to live in limbo land. And for now, the to-do list can wait. Living in limbo land is a better place to be than starting at square one though, afraid of a diagnosis I didn’t know much about. It has made me appreciate those moments at home when I’m not helping much but enjoying my life in the moment. While part of my life may be in limbo, and exhaustion may be wearing me down, I have so many things to be thankful for and that will be enough to keep the smile on my face even when it hurts.
1 Comment
Norma
3/25/2018 06:25:22 am
Dearest granddaughter, I am so proud of you and proud to say at age 85 I am still learning many of the things you're learning, thankful both of us were raised to count our blessings. You're in my thoughts and prayers always, as well as those of many, many others we know who care about you, and that does mean everything. Much much love, Grandma
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Jessica Stroupe, DVM
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August 2017
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